


Goodbye

by FallenBridesmaid



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cutting, M/M, suicide letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-28
Updated: 2013-11-28
Packaged: 2018-01-02 21:10:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1061680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallenBridesmaid/pseuds/FallenBridesmaid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't love you, Dean.<br/>I don't. I realised everything I did was just to make you happy.<br/>It's harsh but it's the truth. I did it all to make you happy because you were so low.<br/>I hope you can get over me and move on, but I hope we can still be friends.<br/>I just didn't know how to tell you. I've been worried you'd commit suicide or start cutting again. I'm gaining my courage and I'm just gonna say it.<br/>I don't love you. I'm sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RainbowNinjaSock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowNinjaSock/gifts).



Well, it snowed finally. It's been nice knowing you. You're probably thinking, 'Oh it snowed. So what?' Well, the significance of it snowing adds to the fact that it's been a year since I first decided to kill myself. Remember? I texted you and you talked me out of it. You told me, 'Okay. Okay. But wait a year. And if it doesn't get better, you can do it next year.' I had it all planned out. I was going to sneak out at midnight the first time it snowed and sleep outside so I could freeze to death on the porch. And you promised me it would get better, if I could just hold out for another year. I specifically remember we had this conversation around late October, early November because it was just starting to get cold outside but not really really cold. So winter passed with minor breakdowns, nothing too extreme, and everything was kind of okay up until January. You started acting weird as soon as we came back from Christmas break. You'd always be stressed out and angry all the time and you kept screaming at everybody. Except me. With me, you just began losing interest in me. You'd ignore me and push me away when I'd touch you and it troubled me for the longest time. By the time summer holiday came around, you'd barely speak to me, let alone text. It got to the point where I was literally begging you to tell me what I did wrong, why you wouldn't answer me, why I was being pushed aside. I even called you. Fuck, I relapsed over you. You never answered me. Around two in the morning on June tenth, you sent me this text: I don't love you, Dean.  
I don't. I realised everything I did was just to make you happy.  
It's harsh but it's the truth. I did it all to make you happy because you were so low.  
I hope you can get over me and move on, but I hope we can still be friends.  
I just didn't know how to tell you. I've been worried you'd commit suicide or start cutting again. I'm gaining my courage and I'm just gonna say it.  
I don't love you. I'm sorry. ]  
My life should have ended right there. I almost passed out from the shock of that text message. I remember I just had to lay there for fifteen minutes to convince myself it was real and then it took me five times longer than it should have to text you back because my hands were trembling so violently. I downplayed my response, I acted like it didn't matter. I told you I wasn't going to ask why, and I wasn't going to ask why it took so long for you to realize it, that I just accepted the fact and could move on. I remember engaging you in a conversation about Supernatural to convince you I was fine. I was anything but. I spent the next six months going downhill from that. I was outcast from our group of friends, it took months to be able to have even small talk with you like we were strangers, and I thought about committing maybe a hundred times over that stretch of time. But I never acted on those thoughts. And you know why? It was all because I promised you I would wait a year to see if things got better, despite the fact that things had just gotten progressively worse. Just like I promised to stop cutting, I promised to stay alive. See? You didn't have to pretend to love me for me to stay, all I needed was to make that promise. I've kept it, even though you left halfway through and probably don't care if I kept it or not. I kept both of my promises. It's been a year. So this is my goodbye letter to you, Cas. I hope your life is wonderful and filled with endless supplies of happiness and love.  
I'm going out to the porch now.  
Dean Winchester  
11/28/13 2:30 a.m


End file.
